Bar Chatter Gifts

"… then I found a million cash in my desk drawer. I can't tell you what a boost that was."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

You're a smooth talker, but you have no lips. Sadly, you have the gift of gab, but not the gift of gob. Bar.

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

I've found that today's information is like fish and guests; it stinks after 3 days.

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

'Beer's more than just a food -- it's a comfort food!'

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."

"Apparently men think about sex every five sex."

"Bob's not really successful. He's more like successful-ish."

"Wine improves with age."

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"So is that a slice of a hook? I never know which is which."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'That guy is SO tacky.'

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"Is that neat whisky?"

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

"I'm not whining."

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'