Pub Chatter Gifts

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

'I've never been superstitious...touch wood'

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

"Everybody talks about sex but nobody does anything about it."

"Omigod, you have such a cute smile!"

The only time sparks flew on my date with this guy was when the muffler shook loose from his junky car.

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in YOUR philosophy.' 'How does that no surprise me?'

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"So is that a slice of a hook? I never know which is which."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'Do I believe in evolution? - Well, I suppose we should get it over with.'

Pie chart of pub conversations

"Let's go bowling and keep on bowling until the people who regulate bowling say it isn't bowling any more!"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

"He couldn't sink that last putt, so now he's trying to drown it."

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'Advertising: Don't get me started! I mean what's Phil Collins in a Gorilla suit, got to do with chocolate?'

"Yeah, I'm selling my bowling balls. Free delivery to anyone who lives downhill."

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

'I was given a ton of great career advice when I graduated from college. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it because my entire brain is filled with passwords and PIN numbers.'

"And another thing. When they start telling you 'You've still got it,' you don't."

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

'Yeah, but did you hear the crowd roar when I hooked the cape out of your hands?'

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

"No, I've never been to the Hamptons, but I have been in hellish traffic."

'I know you live a life of quiet desperation -- you never shut up about it!'

"I'd like a glass of tap water, a dirty look and a sarcastic comment please."

"Wine improves with age."