Bar Banter Gifts

"It's not what you think. I'm from South Dakota."

"And the first question is. . . What the f**k are you looking at. . ??"

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"Is that neat whisky?"

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'That guy is SO tacky.'

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"Mister, I don't know if the glass is half full or half empty. It's 12 dollars."

"I'm not whining."

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"Sipsies?"