Bar Banter Aficionado Gifts

Lab rat at bar after work: 'No, seriously. I'm in medicine. Cutting edge stuff. I work in a lab downtown.'

"Put an olive in it please. My doctor told me to eat more greens!"

"They said I could be anything. . . so I became an under-achiever."

"Well, some of us mortals have to get up tomorrow morning."

"Hunting, but I do dabble in gathering from time to time."

"It was a REALLY tough divorce. . . she got the hair!"

"Of course I look revolting, but I've got a pre-Thatcher sperm count."

JOE'S BAR, 'You can't call Joe a racist for throwing you out, dummy - you're both WHITE!'

'Who was that Chad?' 'Ahh, just an old flame of mine.' Two candles at the bar talking about the flame walking out the door

'A ventriloquist, eh? -- What do ventriloquists believe in?'

Always the webmaster, Bob works to increase his hits.

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"I'm at my wits end."

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

This beer has given me the courage to invite you back to my place. This wine has given me the courage to invite you to drop dead.

Either this beer is making me intoxicated or you are

"Let me ask you a man-to-man question, Randy, asterisk." "Shoot." "Let's say you wake up, you look in the mirror, and you notice your first gray hair." "Would it be manlier to immediately pluck it out and pretend it never happened, or would it be manlier to tell yourself it's actually blond?" "Armstrong, avoiding the truth is never manl... wait... 'asterisk'?" "(Asterisk) By answering my question you enter into a binding non-disclosure agreement."

Rudolph the Shit-Faced Reindeer

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"If you must know, I'm not West Point – I'm home-schooled."

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

"Another flue shot, Larry.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"So who ordered the 'Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum on a dead mans chest'?"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'