Bar Banter Buddy Gifts

'I'll grant you, he's generous when it comes to giving...but when has he ever bought a round ?'

'You think it's EASY being a buffer state?'

"Gimme a whiskey!" "Tex couldn't read."

'That guy is SO tacky.'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

Tip Responsibly

"Is that neat whisky?"

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I think it stopped breathing."

Peach flirting with a banana.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!"

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'Ted, isn't it about time you sorted out your deer-gut?'

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"Do you know what girls want?"

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"'Ere, mate - you look like a right muppett..!"