Bar Banter Buddy Gifts

'I'll grant you, he's generous when it comes to giving...but when has he ever bought a round ?'

'You think it's EASY being a buffer state?'

"Gimme a whiskey!" "Tex couldn't read."

'That guy is SO tacky.'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

Tip Responsibly

"Is that neat whisky?"

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I think it stopped breathing."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

Peach flirting with a banana.

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

"You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!"

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

'Ted, isn't it about time you sorted out your deer-gut?'

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'