Bar Conversationalist Gifts

"Of course I'm naturally apologetic. I was conceived during make-up sex."

'Has anyone ever told you your tweets are Hemingwayesque?'

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

'Read any good Apps lately?'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

'Actually, I don't get out much. I spend most of my time alone, writing lyrical novels celebrating nature and the interconnectedness of all living things!'

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"My world is Tribeca, lars, and yours is a different world."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"I'll have to go now, Penny. My boyfriend keeps wittering on about something or other!"

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

A lesson in wit

"Wanna get pigeon holed?"

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

"It's discretionary income but I occasionally use it for indiscretions."

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

"Have you ever known anyone famous?" "I have." "I've always been great friends with Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." "What? That's you." "Carry yourself like everyone knows you, and everyone you meet will feel like they should know you." "Hey, you all over there! You know me!" "You don't carry things with your mouth."