Café Conversationalist Gifts

'Your French is terrible.' 'AT LEAST I MAKE LE EFFORT!'

"I thought I was a writer, but it turned out to be a chemical imbalance."

'Baseball isn't a religion Eddie.'

"Quentin - I'm having a baby." "I'm just having a buttered roll."

"She thinks she's so great cause she has real celiac disease."

"I've just joined a support group for boring people."

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

"Can we stop talking about turmeric now?"

"I broke it off with him when I realized his love of quinoa was but a sham."

"Why is it sooo difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking. . . ?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"I don'y know about you guys, but I don't feel like I've lost one goddamn bit of my feminity."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

'It's going to be harder to get back than you think. We're now part of a subculture of a counter culture.'

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

"Paved in gold? Oh my, no. With out crumbling infrastructure we're doing well if the streets are paved at all."

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

"All the good ones are neutered."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

"You've got a vow of silence? How interesting! Tell me all about that!"

'Has anyone ever told you your tweets are Hemingwayesque?'

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

"I remember when you could order a cup of coffee in two or three words."

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

Traffic cone tells bollard: 'It's a tough life ... always on the road.'

"Of course I'm naturally apologetic. I was conceived during make-up sex."

Books 'n' Coffee

"All this fuss about same sex marriage, I've been having the same sex with my husband for the last 27 years."

"It's a lovingly handcrafted beer, citra and summit hopped, with notes of lime, passion fruit and ...."

'I know about the birds, but what about the bees?'

“I think you’ve had enough.”

"The Sculleys, the Jensons, the Walkers, Freedy, Joan, Don and the Bowes. Oh, well, Madame de Stael had to start somewhere."