Café Conversationalist Gifts

'Your French is terrible.' 'AT LEAST I MAKE LE EFFORT!'

"I thought I was a writer, but it turned out to be a chemical imbalance."

'Baseball isn't a religion Eddie.'

"Quentin - I'm having a baby." "I'm just having a buttered roll."

"She thinks she's so great cause she has real celiac disease."

"I've just joined a support group for boring people."

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

"Can we stop talking about turmeric now?"

I'm finally done celebrating the State of the Union address. What are you talking about? House of Java.net CyberCafe. Every year after the speech, I drive cross-country and date ladies from every region, and of every race, creed and color. It's my way of spending time with like-minded patriots to celebrate how we're all more similar than we are different. Whether you're in California, the deep south or far-off Hawaii, you're never more than a 2-hour drive from miniature golf. Think about that.

There's something wrong with the coffee. Wrong? I feel funny. Like I'm seeing things. Oh, that. You've seen it, too? What is it? The boy's become a conservative. Maybe the milk's gone bad.

What would you like? I knew you'd ask. Knew I'd ask what? I'm not ready to pick one yet. One what? They say one of them's warring on women … I really don't know what you're talking about. But then others say … the other one's engaged in a war on religion. I'm a woman. But I'm also devoutly religious. Oh, the angst! The pure, unmitigated inner turmoil! Which one do I choose? The undecideds are coming out of the woodwork. The red velvet is cellulite city, but the booze in the rum-raisin is sinful.

"I broke it off with him when I realized his love of quinoa was but a sham."

"Why is it sooo difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking. . . ?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Annual run-off at the mouth.

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"I don'y know about you guys, but I don't feel like I've lost one goddamn bit of my feminity."

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

'It's going to be harder to get back than you think. We're now part of a subculture of a counter culture.'

"Paved in gold? Oh my, no. With out crumbling infrastructure we're doing well if the streets are paved at all."

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

"All the good ones are neutered."

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

"You've got a vow of silence? How interesting! Tell me all about that!"

"I remember when you could order a cup of coffee in two or three words."

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

'Has anyone ever told you your tweets are Hemingwayesque?'

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

Traffic cone tells bollard: 'It's a tough life ... always on the road.'

"Of course I'm naturally apologetic. I was conceived during make-up sex."