Club Conversationalist Gifts

'Read any good Apps lately?'

5pm Happy Hour. 6pm discussion: what is true happiness?

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

'Hold on, Bob. I'm downshifting.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Dude, Amazon is so popular they named a river after it."

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

Actually, I prefer to think of my body as repurposed.

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

The Schmoozy Reaper

A lesson in wit

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

"I understand it all started when he ordered extra toppings on a pizza."

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."