Banter Specialist Gifts

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"I'll have a man overboard!"

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

"Oh Gregori! You tell such funny stories!"

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

When you talk about my debt to society, I thought that only referred to criminals.

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

The Art of Bantering!

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

"I don't know—my gut tells me I should have another beer."

'Here comes Ted.'

"I was listening at the door and I overheard the nickname they have for me."