Banter Expert Gifts

"If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you?"

"It's the drink talking"

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

An Archeologic Dig

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

"Oh Gregori! You tell such funny stories!"

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"I'll have a man overboard!"

'Wilson, I'll need you to make high pitched screeching noises until I get this modem working properly.'

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

The Art of Bantering!

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"