Banter Enthusiast Gifts

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'You mean your big smile is bottled-up aggression? Mine is bottled-up hostility.'

'Stop your whining. Don't you know that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger?'

'I want to have an argument.' - 'What about?' - 'I don't care. I just want to have an argument.' - 'That's stupid!' - 'Oh, so I'm stupid now, am I?' - 'Gah. Tricked again.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

We're prepared to offer you a starting salary in the low six figures...if you count the decimal.

'Apparently, your'e never more than 10ft away from a rat. Although, I think that's only on average.'

"Blah! Blah! Blah!" say sheep.

'Why are you so rude?'

'My name is Flint, and I'm your waiter tonight, and I don't suffer fools gladly.'

Does this chocolate taste a bit cheesy to you

A curate dining with some hunters

'I didn't come here to be insulted.'

"We want safe spaces away from inappropriate comments about builder's bum."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

'Of course my wife understands me-that's why she's divorcing me!'

'Dad, if you had put a rubber thing on the end of your stick you wouldn't fall over,'

"Does my bum look big in these?"

'I've never seen anything so dismal that you couldn't make it worse.'

'You know nothing about football either? So we've both spent TWO HOURS bluffing?'

"We just weren't compatible.Her body-clock was telling her to settle down and have kids,and mine was telling me that the pub was open."

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'I dunno why, but I've got the feeling something humorous is going to happen.'

Derek's Spontaneous Put Downs Were Legionary.

'When I was a prop...'

His little head soaks up the spills and social services can't nag me about passive smoking anymore.

'I don't suffer fools gladly, Mr Fusco.'

'My wife cooks, cleans, laughs at my jokes and doesn't embarrass me at parties. Yes, I'd say she was a good investment.'

'Mustn't grumble' (Woman thinks 'Ha!')

"How are you getting along with your speech impediment?"

Yeah, last words are like snappy comeback --- You always think of the best ones after it's too late!

I didn't know they allowed horses in this bar. And I didn't know they allowed jackasses, so I guess we're even.

"That was funny. You haven't said anything funny in years."

"Now that we have a better class of downtrodden I'm more able to identify with them."