Banter Enthusiast Prints

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'You mean your big smile is bottled-up aggression? Mine is bottled-up hostility.'

'Stop your whining. Don't you know that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger?'

'I want to have an argument.' - 'What about?' - 'I don't care. I just want to have an argument.' - 'That's stupid!' - 'Oh, so I'm stupid now, am I?' - 'Gah. Tricked again.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

We're prepared to offer you a starting salary in the low six figures...if you count the decimal.

'Apparently, your'e never more than 10ft away from a rat. Although, I think that's only on average.'

'My name is Flint, and I'm your waiter tonight, and I don't suffer fools gladly.'

'Why are you so rude?'

A curate dining with some hunters

'Of course my wife understands me-that's why she's divorcing me!'

'Dad, if you had put a rubber thing on the end of your stick you wouldn't fall over,'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'I don't suffer fools gladly, Mr Fusco.'

'I dunno why, but I've got the feeling something humorous is going to happen.'

'I've never seen anything so dismal that you couldn't make it worse.'

"We just weren't compatible.Her body-clock was telling her to settle down and have kids,and mine was telling me that the pub was open."

'My wife cooks, cleans, laughs at my jokes and doesn't embarrass me at parties. Yes, I'd say she was a good investment.'

His little head soaks up the spills and social services can't nag me about passive smoking anymore.

'You know nothing about football either? So we've both spent TWO HOURS bluffing?'

"Does my bum look big in these?"

'I didn't come here to be insulted.'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Derek's Spontaneous Put Downs Were Legionary.

'Mustn't grumble' (Woman thinks 'Ha!')

'When I was a prop...'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"We want safe spaces away from inappropriate comments about builder's bum."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"Hey, nice body! Not you, the car! ... That's what she said! ... Oh, yeah? Ask me about your wife!"

"I don't know—my gut tells me I should have another beer."

"It was his turn to bring mead, and he didn't bring mead."

"Do you think this would have happened even if we weren't the last two smokers in the office?"

"Margo, I think it's time we talked about us."