Banter Aficionados Gifts

… Okay, now work the body. You're fatter than the Biggest Loser at a fish fry … Pound the brain. You're so stupid you flunked you #$% blood test … Finish 'em with the Kardashians. Kim wouldn't marry you in a fake ceremony for a billion dollars. Hit the showers, kid. Water, throat lozenge, self-respect …

'I called it first!'

Banter Area.

'A cheeky red?'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a bubble like this?"

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

An Archeologic Dig

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"That fish may be bigger, but I caught more."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

The Art of Bantering!

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"