Banter Master Gifts

I heard you're going to Mars to star on some reality show. Yep. Mars One. We launch ten years from now. Ten years? You don't have the attention span to wait ten minutes. In ten years, you'll have forgotten all about this. And when that day comes, I will mock and berate you mercilessly. You'll be dead in ten years. Ridiculing you gives me a reason to go on! Being around you gives me a reason to go to Mars.

'I'm not naturally dense you know...Its taken years of practice.'

Annual run-off at the mouth.

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

An Archeologic Dig

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

When you talk about my debt to society, I thought that only referred to criminals.

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

'Your 40th? Well maybe if you're talking about the number of cans you've had!'

The Art of Bantering!

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

'Hold on, there might be someone more interesting on the other line...'

'You're looking well.'

"I was listening at the door and I overheard the nickname they have for me."

"Let's go bowling and keep on bowling until the people who regulate bowling say it isn't bowling any more!"

'Sorry, I only drink still wines. I don't have the patience to wait for bubbles to pop.'