Office Banter Master Gifts

When you talk about my debt to society, I thought that only referred to criminals.

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

Annual run-off at the mouth.

Trays on desk read, 'Here', 'There' and, 'Neither here nor there.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

'I hate bloody football! It's just a bunch of over-rated, overpaid nancy boys kicking a b-' - 'Genuine football fans may leave work early to avoid missing the start of important World Cup fixtures.' - 'C'mon England!'

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

"When you're nailing the numbers, they don't ask questions."

"Every day is Monday." "Except Friday."

'It's signed by the entire office. You're not too popular areound here, are you?'

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

'Your advert didn't say anything about intelligence... it said you wanted a manager!'

He calls it 'delegating authority' I call it 'passing the buck'

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

"Which 'ism' am I this week, Ms. Trotter?"

'We're like one big family tree... that's why everyone is in therapy.'

"I had considered hyphenating my last name, but now I'm leaning towards and underscore."

Pig and chicken asking for milk from cow, who replies: 'Sorry, I already gave at the office.'

"Got your e-mail and the answer is yes, I can pass you the stapler."

"Until we get more employees to join, we'll just have to roll with the paunches."

"Julie...would you cancel my 4 o'clock please...?"

'Wilson, I'll need you to make high pitched screeching noises until I get this modem working properly.'

'The boss is just a carrier - he doesn't get panic attacks, he just gives panic attacks!'

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

'I want you guys to be aware that a dog-eat-dog environment works for me.'

"It's the drink talking"

'Seems like everyday is bring your work to work day.'

'Have a great day, but not at my expense.'

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

' And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...'

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

'It started out with lactose, but ow he's intolerant of everything.'

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'