Banter Pro Gifts

"No one has a higher opinion of you than I do and my opinion couldn't be lower!"

Annual run-off at the mouth.

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I think it stopped breathing."

Peach flirting with a banana.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"I go that extra mile!"

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"John, wake up, I think the mattress has stopped breathing."

"You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!"

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

An Archeologic Dig

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

'Ted, isn't it about time you sorted out your deer-gut?'

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

The Art of Bantering!

"'Ere, mate - you look like a right muppett..!"