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"No one has a higher opinion of you than I do and my opinion couldn't be lower!"

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"I think it stopped breathing."

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Peach flirting with a banana.

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I go that extra mile!"

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"John, wake up, I think the mattress has stopped breathing."

"You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!"

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

An Archeologic Dig

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

'Ted, isn't it about time you sorted out your deer-gut?'

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"'Ere, mate - you look like a right muppett..!"

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

'Your 40th? Well maybe if you're talking about the number of cans you've had!'

The Art of Bantering!

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"