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"So, is there a Mrs. Peanut?"

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I go that extra mile!"

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

'I'll take back 'Rotten Egg' if you'll apologize for 'Dumb Cluck'.'

'That guy is SO tacky.'

"Is that neat whisky?"

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

"I'm not whining."

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

"Sipsies?"

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."