Banter Master Pillows

'I'm not naturally dense you know...Its taken years of practice.'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

An Archeologic Dig

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

When you talk about my debt to society, I thought that only referred to criminals.

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

'Your 40th? Well maybe if you're talking about the number of cans you've had!'

The Art of Bantering!

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

'Hold on, there might be someone more interesting on the other line...'

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"I was listening at the door and I overheard the nickname they have for me."

"I may have bird legs but at least I don't have crow's feet."

"Let's go bowling and keep on bowling until the people who regulate bowling say it isn't bowling any more!"

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'