Master Of Banter Pillows

"I take the fun out of everything. What do you do?"

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"I'll have a man overboard!"

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

When you talk about my debt to society, I thought that only referred to criminals.

He calls it 'delegating authority' I call it 'passing the buck'

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'You're right, Mr. Benson, no question about it...I agree...yes! Absolutely! Yes...yes...'

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

The Art of Bantering!

"Don’t worry. You’re looking at the Frederick H. Tuttle Middle School long-jump champion."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

'I wish i could think of some way to get away form him.' 'I wish i could think of some way to get away form her.'

'You're looking well.'

"I was listening at the door and I overheard the nickname they have for me."

"Let's go bowling and keep on bowling until the people who regulate bowling say it isn't bowling any more!"

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"It's the drink talking"

"I don't know—my gut tells me I should have another beer."

'Sorry, I only drink still wines. I don't have the patience to wait for bubbles to pop.'

'Have I told you how absolutely lovely you look today?'