King Of Banter Pillows

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"I'll have a man overboard!"

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"Deal with it Your Majesty- Comedy is king!"

"Don’t worry. You’re looking at the Frederick H. Tuttle Middle School long-jump champion."

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

A lesson in wit

The Art of Bantering!

'I'll take back 'Rotten Egg' if you'll apologize for 'Dumb Cluck'.'

'Your 40th? Well maybe if you're talking about the number of cans you've had!'

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

"I was listening at the door and I overheard the nickname they have for me."

'Bragging at the Old Physicists' & Old Writers' Home.'

"Let's go bowling and keep on bowling until the people who regulate bowling say it isn't bowling any more!"

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

'Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be sober, and you'll still be a giraffe!'