Queen Of The Banter Pillows

'You have no idea how difficult life can be when one is totally irresistible to men, Jane.'

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

"I'll have a man overboard!"

Happy Hour 5-7. (Not really an hour, not really happy.) At last, truth in advertising.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Don’t worry. You’re looking at the Frederick H. Tuttle Middle School long-jump champion."

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

Cold caller.

The Gilmore Girls

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"Your Honor, I would like the record to state that Mr. Katzman is a 'hostile witness'."

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

"Tom, we've started a little office pool on how long it'll take me to get your job. Want in?"

"It's the drink talking"

David Letterman

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

Full Of Beans

Home Business - Wife.

Albatross bragging about his latest catch...

'You Honor, my client would like to change his plea to 'pretty please with sugar on it.''

Cylinder Head

"I wouldn't say that you're old, Dear, just way past your 'Best Before' date!"

'Not tonight, I have a headache,'

Mom! Billy's censoring me!

"He damaged a nerve when he pulled the thorn out. I'd have had a surefire malpractice suit if I hadn't eaten him."

'I still have all my own teeth but my head is false.'

'The wife and I have decided to nominate our weekly drink-free days as tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.'

'And now the other leg!'

I'll tell you what, your honor: I'll agree to stop badgering the witness if she'll agree to stop undressing me with her eyes. ?

"No offense..."

I need advice and if you ever tall anyone I asked, you're dead. Go ahead. People aren't taking me seriously. When I insult them, they don't seem that bothered. They don't cry or run away like they used to. C'mon, you're plenty offensive. Don't patronize me you @#$% meathead. Wow. Didn't bother me a bit.