Bar Banter Artist Gifts

"Hey, big guy. Can I buy you a pair of underpants?"

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"What other tricks does he need?"

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

'That guy is SO tacky.'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'I'll take back 'Rotten Egg' if you'll apologize for 'Dumb Cluck'.'

"Is that neat whisky?"

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"Sipsies?"

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."