Bar Banter Artist T-Shirts

"Hey, big guy. Can I buy you a pair of underpants?"

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"What other tricks does he need?"

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

'That guy is SO tacky.'

"Is that neat whisky?"

'I'll take back 'Rotten Egg' if you'll apologize for 'Dumb Cluck'.'

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"Sipsies?"