Certified Love Expert Gifts

'What do you mean, you failed the written exam?!'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

Boyfriend of the Month.

'Honestly! You really ought to see someone about that cough of yours.'

'You've changed since we got married.'

'She seems to think I only have one thing on my mind.'

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'It took me years of training, but now he's my perfect man.'

"Ours will be the first mixed marriage in my family. Dog people NEVER marry cat people."

'We've been playing house for 5 minutes, and she's already nagging me to get a job.'

'I don't know about you, but he was really beginning to get on my nerves.'

"I've never, ever taken you for granted, Ingrid."

The Stages of Wine

'Okay, we grew old together - Now what?'

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

"Just tell us who's winning."

"I do love you, Robin, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a full-on commitment yet."

'There are signs of improvement but I wouldn't order Christmas cards with both your names on them.'

"It says here we should get a lodger."

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

"All parents fight."

"Does it say 'I'm ovulating'?"

'Standing on tiptoe waving your claw may attract a crab, but it certainly doesn't woo me.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"The secret of our relationship? Easy. She just acts as if I don't even exist."

"I'm the lot of baggage he comes with."

"I've had my eye on you for some time"

"After 20 years of marriage, don't you think it's time you stopped calling your husband 'that Harold person'?"

"Not so fast, Casanova! I want to get to know a man and his intentions better before I allow him to accompany me to the cinema!"

"Ah-ha! Just in time to make my dinner!"

"Yes, this is exactly how wars start—because of someone's insensitivity!"