Love Consultant Gifts

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

"Have you tried carbon dating?"

'You wanted to go on a romantic outing. You're on a romantic outing.'

'...Do you, Thomas, take Charleen as your wife, to love and cherish, for better of worse...use Rehab as may be needed...for as long as you both shall live?'

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

'Lost that loving feeling. If found, call 555-1234.'

"Take that mammoth back. It's not 'wooly' enough."

"Look - I'm cold, you're cold. Why don't we settle down and start a family?"

'What is that? Is that sarcasm?'

The Plinth Wedding Planner Co.

A man reads a book called 'Opening Lines' while a woman reads a book called 'Brush Offs'.

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

"It's not you-it's me."

'You used to make love to me like a Flying Scotsman, now you're more like a Puffing Billy!'

"I like an attentive lover, but these feedback forms are ridiculous."

"I feel I'm losing touch with the unrealistic view I have of him."

"Arouse Me!"

"Well, it's the same old story, we just don't squark anymore."

"Hey, Honey, our life cycle is too short to play hard to get."

"I don't know whether to love you or leave you - but then that's the reality of arbitrage."

Dating the efficiency expert.

"I might remind you, John, that 'Lorraine never stops yakking' is not yet grounds for divorce in the state of Ohio."

A man sews broken hearts back together.

"Why don't we compromise... you admit I'm right and I'll agree with you."

Marriage counselor, living together counselor or a just screwing around counselor.

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

'First, you have to stop treating your husband like a child.'