Love Consultant Gifts

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

"Take that mammoth back. It's not 'wooly' enough."

'You wanted to go on a romantic outing. You're on a romantic outing.'

'...Do you, Thomas, take Charleen as your wife, to love and cherish, for better of worse...use Rehab as may be needed...for as long as you both shall live?'

'Lost that loving feeling. If found, call 555-1234.'

"Look - I'm cold, you're cold. Why don't we settle down and start a family?"

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"Have you tried carbon dating?"

'What is that? Is that sarcasm?'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

A man reads a book called 'Opening Lines' while a woman reads a book called 'Brush Offs'.

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

The Plinth Wedding Planner Co.

"It's not you-it's me."

'You used to make love to me like a Flying Scotsman, now you're more like a Puffing Billy!'

"I like an attentive lover, but these feedback forms are ridiculous."

Dating the efficiency expert.

"I feel I'm losing touch with the unrealistic view I have of him."

"Hey, Honey, our life cycle is too short to play hard to get."

"Arouse Me!"

"I don't know whether to love you or leave you - but then that's the reality of arbitrage."

"Well, it's the same old story, we just don't squark anymore."

"I might remind you, John, that 'Lorraine never stops yakking' is not yet grounds for divorce in the state of Ohio."

A man sews broken hearts back together.

If you are ringing your coach to ask about your next move then we're finished.

'First, you have to stop treating your husband like a child.'

Lover's leap and Infatuation leap.

Marriage counselor, living together counselor or a just screwing around counselor.