Romantic Consultant Gifts

'If you want to get anywhere with girls, you gotta PRETEND to like bunnies, ponies, and kittens.'

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

"Have you tried carbon dating?"

'First date with a logician - These venn Diagrams will save us a lot of time. We'll see where you fit in, where I fit in, and if any of it overlaps'

Deconstructionist girlfriend

"I haven't had smouldering, passionate sex for a while....could you put it in the diary for next week!"

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

"Solitude is so much better if you have someone to share it with."

'There are signs of improvement but I wouldn't order Christmas cards with both your names on them.'

"Yes, a surprise engagement. Even my husband-to-be here didn't know..."

"I'm always impressed by these matrimonial agreements, as my wife and I have never agreed on a thing."

How to feel confident in love & war

'Come now - surely we can draw up this pre-nuptial agreement amicably.'

What's your question for "Ask Sadie"? I've been talking to … um … Tina for three whole weeks … Do you think it's too early to try and get her to move out her near me? Excellent question. The answer is, we're all barreling full-steam toward death and incontinence. So seize the moment!!! that's both depressing and uplifting at the same time.

"I don't believe you can't get close to anyone, Mr Jones. Get back over your own side."

"Could you give me another minute? I'm not sure who's paying yet."

"This next arrow should shake things up a bit!"

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

"With so many dating services online, I had to diversify."

Jung and in Love

"You've always let me down in this marriage."

Mister, Inc: 'Wrong...Right'

Young Accountants in Love: 'I didn't reach the same conclusion, Phil. In fact, my preliminary figures indicate we just can't go on meeting like this!'

'Is your girlfriend still playing hard-to-get?', 'No -- now she's playing keep-away.'

"Blue eyed blonde...let me check the files."

"A special offer from the Beatrice Wiggins Marriage Bureau they may be - but I'm afraid it's still bigamy, sir..."

"At first I thought it must be a typo when your profile said you were 'all mussel'."

"Depending on how the next election plays out, we either get married at the botanical gardens or flee the country."

"Why do I always have to get the cheese?"

'OK - I'll enter 'beauty queen', 'millionairess' and 'pub landlady' and we'll see waht comes up' (dating agency).

'Looks like I have a passionate moment open on the 26th. Should I schedule you?'

"He says we'll get married as soon as everything bounces back."

'What do you say we put next Saturday on our calendars?'

Boy giving mistletoe to friend