Cat Horoscope Humorist Gifts

Cat Horoscopes: 'You will spend the day curled up on the comfy chair. In the evening expect a treat from your owner for being so good.'

"The painting and pillows were his idea. The scratches were mine."

"There HAS to be a giant ball at the end of all this string."

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

"But some of my best ideas come while I'm in the litter box."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

Cat laughs at 'Ameowsing Cat Jokes.'

"You will meet a tall, mysterious stranger — you will rub fur on his pant leg."

'I'm a lap cat. So, naturally I prefer a laptop.'

'Oh no! That's not litter! It's quicksand!!'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

"I'm not kidding: I am feline too and I do love swimming!"

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

"What SPF sunscreen do you suggest for lying around in a sunny spot?"

"GPS? In case we get lost? Why would we need that? We're microchipped."

'I hate surprises!'

"My real money comes from my TV news appearances predicting stock market rises and falls."

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Balloon

Man asks haughty looking cat: "And how, exactly, do you qualify as a spokesman for the feline community?"

The Curiosity Mars rover is seen killing a cat: 'Mission accomplished.'

"He says he can quit anytime, but I'm starting to worry."

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

'According to the latest data, our social media post rankings are staying fairly consistent with consumers, hovering just below cat shaming memes.'

"Keep your guard up. We're entering big-cat country."

101 uses of a dead cat: peg leg

We all have our jobs to do here --- You guard against burglars and I'm the food critic.

'You know, if you cleaned the litter box more often, you wouldn't have to wear the hazmat suit.'

'Hmphh, your horoscope says you're going to have a date, with a Taurus, and I'm a Gemini.'

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

Cat eyes up cocktail olive.

101 uses of a dead cat: chopping board.

I tried thinking outside the box once. That was a big mistake!

"You resume states, 'My only good quality is I purr'. Could you go into that a little more?"