Cat Horoscope Humorist Gifts

Cat Horoscopes: 'You will spend the day curled up on the comfy chair. In the evening expect a treat from your owner for being so good.'

"The painting and pillows were his idea. The scratches were mine."

"There HAS to be a giant ball at the end of all this string."

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

"But some of my best ideas come while I'm in the litter box."

"You will meet a tall, mysterious stranger — you will rub fur on his pant leg."

Cat laughs at 'Ameowsing Cat Jokes.'

'I'm a lap cat. So, naturally I prefer a laptop.'

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

'Oh no! That's not litter! It's quicksand!!'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

"What SPF sunscreen do you suggest for lying around in a sunny spot?"

"I'm not kidding: I am feline too and I do love swimming!"

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

"GPS? In case we get lost? Why would we need that? We're microchipped."

"My real money comes from my TV news appearances predicting stock market rises and falls."

"He says he can quit anytime, but I'm starting to worry."

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

Man asks haughty looking cat: "And how, exactly, do you qualify as a spokesman for the feline community?"

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Balloon

The Curiosity Mars rover is seen killing a cat: 'Mission accomplished.'

'According to the latest data, our social media post rankings are staying fairly consistent with consumers, hovering just below cat shaming memes.'

"Keep your guard up. We're entering big-cat country."

'You know, if you cleaned the litter box more often, you wouldn't have to wear the hazmat suit.'

101 uses of a dead cat: peg leg

'Hmphh, your horoscope says you're going to have a date, with a Taurus, and I'm a Gemini.'

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

101 uses of a dead cat: chopping board.

"You resume states, 'My only good quality is I purr'. Could you go into that a little more?"

I tried thinking outside the box once. That was a big mistake!

101 uses of a dead cat: bagpipe

Cat eyes up cocktail olive.