Horoscope Humorist Gifts

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

'Here's mine, water dominates, dress warm as you enter a chilly phrase...'

'A lot of rubbish. We Leos aren't that easily fooled.'

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

'I told you I refuse to be born today. I don't want to be Aries.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

You are successful in knocking down barriers.

Someone with tremendous drive will leave you with a lasting impression.

"Libra (September 23-October 23): Busy, busy, busy."

"Isn't it amazing! My horoscope said I was going to meet a tall dark stranger..."

Aries/ram

Aquarius/man pouring water

Today's horoscope: DUCK!

Leo/lion

'My horoscope says I should get out more often.'

'You don't look so good..? Cancer.'

'A Capricorn, eh? I'm a Leo.'

"Actually, I'm a Sagittarius."

"You had me at sextile moon."

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

"You have an interesting horoscope in today's paper, George. By the way, where are your insurance policies?"

"My real money comes from my TV news appearances predicting stock market rises and falls."

"Well, you know what they say - men are sun ascendant in Aries, and women are moon ascendant in Virgo."

"Turn 15 degrees Leo... Oh, sorry. Wrong chart."

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

Taurus/Bull

The newspaper that psychics read every morning.

'Oh no! You're a Sagittarian, Ms Cline! Our computer won't approve loans to Sagittarians!'

Horoscope: Aries.

'I don't believe in astrology. I think that's because I'm a Leo.'

'Ha ha! You've been afraid of someone else's future!'

'Yes, here's my card.'

"All mine says is that I often give in to feelings of envy and that I should appreciate what I have. But your horoscope is better."

You'll no longer be on the outside looking in. Dominant Leo plays key role.

'My horoscope said I'd have a heavenly day.'