Café Chatter Gifts

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"You know, Ben, it's really cute how secure you are in your sexuality."

What's your most calming drink? I'd say the hot cocoa. Why? Oh, it's nothing. We'll ... You sound like you want to talk about it. Well ... Here's the thing: I was just abducted by a UFO. You were what? Yeah. They were green. Each one had two heads, and they were really, really interested in having nookie with me. Are you serious? Yeah. Until I opened my mouth. The more I spoke, the less interested they seemed. Really? They were still going to probe me ... I was all strapped in an

"I'm sleeping well, I'm able to concentrate more, I have feelings of hope and joy. It's all very confusing."

"I'm offended by everything these days..."

"It's where I grew up, Diane. A sleepy little town where everybody knows what everybody else is doing, and blogs about it 24/7!"

I knew Joe and I were in trouble when we couldn't even agree on a marriage counselor.

"The settlement was a complete mess - somehow I got custody of his mistress."

"So what are we all dying of this morning?"

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

"I know it's only been a little while since we've been allowed to mingle again but I'm already getting really tired of people."

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

'I don't care what he says, child labor laws were never intended to protect the rights of children in their mid-30s.'

"Sergio, you are the best father in the world. Except, you know, when you're not."

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

"I still think it's a shame they didn't run Bernie. We've never had a POTUS like him. We've had cool presidents, awkward presidents, dignified presidents, goofy presidents... But we've never had a curmudgeonly president."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Did I wake up feeling grumpy this morning?... No, I let him sleep!'

"I've been dating this homeless guy..."

"I'm dating a much younger guy....makes sense, my ex was a cheetah."

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

Menu. How much is that stuff? Read the hash tag.

Voting on their Seats

'I was given a ton of great career advice when I graduated from college. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it because my entire brain is filled with passwords and PIN numbers.'

"Remind me what I was talking about—I wasn't listening."

'I thought I was really stuck on Richard, but it turned out it was just static cling.'

"They said it had a V-8, so I assumed it would run on tomato juice!"

"Looks like Amazon is going to start delivering babies."

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

Affordable homes coming soon - 'If they build these then our house will become affordable...!'

'My life began at 40 but my credit problems had a huge head start.'

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'