Café Chatter Pillows

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"You know, Ben, it's really cute how secure you are in your sexuality."

"I'm sleeping well, I'm able to concentrate more, I have feelings of hope and joy. It's all very confusing."

"I'm offended by everything these days..."

"It's where I grew up, Diane. A sleepy little town where everybody knows what everybody else is doing, and blogs about it 24/7!"

I knew Joe and I were in trouble when we couldn't even agree on a marriage counselor.

"The settlement was a complete mess - somehow I got custody of his mistress."

"So what are we all dying of this morning?"

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

"I know it's only been a little while since we've been allowed to mingle again but I'm already getting really tired of people."

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

'I don't care what he says, child labor laws were never intended to protect the rights of children in their mid-30s.'

"I still think it's a shame they didn't run Bernie. We've never had a POTUS like him. We've had cool presidents, awkward presidents, dignified presidents, goofy presidents... But we've never had a curmudgeonly president."

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

"Sergio, you are the best father in the world. Except, you know, when you're not."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'Did I wake up feeling grumpy this morning?... No, I let him sleep!'

"I've been dating this homeless guy..."

"I'm dating a much younger guy....makes sense, my ex was a cheetah."

'I was given a ton of great career advice when I graduated from college. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it because my entire brain is filled with passwords and PIN numbers.'

"Looks like Amazon is going to start delivering babies."

"They said it had a V-8, so I assumed it would run on tomato juice!"

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

'I thought I was really stuck on Richard, but it turned out it was just static cling.'

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

"Remind me what I was talking about—I wasn't listening."

Affordable homes coming soon - 'If they build these then our house will become affordable...!'

'My life began at 40 but my credit problems had a huge head start.'

Wordplay 11. Repetition & on & on & on. . .

"Wine improves with age."

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."

"If I use twitter to communicate, does that make me a twit?"