Coffee Chatters Gifts

"I have a positive attitude...but it might be a false positive."

"They say 60 is the new 40 and 40 is the new 30 and 30 is still a complete pain in the ass to their parents."

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

"She has these fantasies that she ‘rescued’ me, and I just let her believe it."

"I don't think our Kevin watches porn."

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Every morning the office gossip was cascaded down...

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

'I'm looking for people who find me intimidating.'

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

"I know it's only been a little while since we've been allowed to mingle again but I'm already getting really tired of people."

'I don't care what he says, child labor laws were never intended to protect the rights of children in their mid-30s.'

"Sergio, you are the best father in the world. Except, you know, when you're not."

"So have you been watching Bridgerton?"

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

'Did I wake up feeling grumpy this morning?... No, I let him sleep!'

Voting on their Seats

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

'I've given up on looking for the bluebird of happiness. . . I'd settle for the chicken of contentment!'

"I'm dating a much younger guy....makes sense, my ex was a cheetah."

Teachers Lounge. That's funny -- I was sure the "No Child Left Behind" act would cover field trips.

"Stu's not a morning person."

"I've been dating this homeless guy..."

"I like my coffee like my men: light and weak."

'I was given a ton of great career advice when I graduated from college. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it because my entire brain is filled with passwords and PIN numbers.'

"Wow, I did not see that coming."

"Remind me what I was talking about—I wasn't listening."

'Well there hasn't been a ring yet! But he did say that we were going to look at bridle wear - so, I know what that means. . . he loves me, Joanne.'

"I remember when you could order a cup of coffee in two or three words."

"Looks like Amazon is going to start delivering babies."

Affordable homes coming soon - 'If they build these then our house will become affordable...!'

'My life began at 40 but my credit problems had a huge head start.'

'Take two asprin and call my wife in the morning.'

"It's where I grew up, Diane. A sleepy little town where everybody knows what everybody else is doing, and blogs about it 24/7!"