Birth Of First Child Gifts

'While you were in the hospital having our fullback, uh...firstborn, I decorated this room.'

The Houseplants vs The Kids

'I think we should thin the herd.'

'I was born way too late.'

'I'm extremely popular on tax day!'

'U-S-A! U-S-A!'

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"His first out-of-body experience."

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

A young Don King

Madonna of the Pukes.

'Einstein, the children are getting too complex for me.'

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Baby Piano

My First Camera

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"That's not how I sat on you."

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

What did I tell you about covering your bottom when you sneeze?

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

Gifts for a cloned baby!

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

"String ... you mean it doesn't have a remote controller to operate it?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Children's artwork exhibition.

1847 - Bram Stoker, creator of Dracula was born in Dublin.

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

'Hang on a minute: What does 'IVF' mean?!'

'That reminds me, the seat broke on mine. I must make time to get it repaired.'

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?