Birth Of First Child Pillows

'While you were in the hospital having our fullback, uh...firstborn, I decorated this room.'

The Houseplants vs The Kids

'I think we should thin the herd.'

'I was born way too late.'

'I'm extremely popular on tax day!'

'U-S-A! U-S-A!'

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"His first out-of-body experience."

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

Madonna of the Pukes.

A young Don King

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

My First Camera

Baby Piano

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"That's not how I sat on you."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"String ... you mean it doesn't have a remote controller to operate it?"

1847 - Bram Stoker, creator of Dracula was born in Dublin.

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

'Hang on a minute: What does 'IVF' mean?!'

'That reminds me, the seat broke on mine. I must make time to get it repaired.'

Children's artwork exhibition.

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

'He's not talking yet, but his texting skills are excellent...'