First Childbirth Gifts

"Congratulations! Your first?"

"His first out-of-body experience."

A young Don King

Madonna of the Pukes.

Cry babies.

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'I guess mother and baby are doing fine. She's already sending out selfies.'

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

'Well, well, well. It wasn't a 12 lb baby after all. It was a six pound one pumping iron.'

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

'Grandma, does the hospital charge by the pound when people have babies?'

'Sure, I took your shovel. Ethics doesn't kick in for a year or two.'

Baby Hairstyles.

"That is one absorbent nappy."

"Honey, where's the baby?" "The first voyage of Sinbad"

Mother feeds messy child with extra long spoon.

'We apologise for the delay to the yum-yum train.'

'A is for Arse.'

"Helmet, check. Harness, check. Knee and elbow pads, check. You may now push the swing."

"They look so young and helpless."

"Here's our little bundle of joy."

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

"On no, the baby's breach!!"

"Since he was born today he won't begin daycare until tomorrow."

'The dripping keeps me awake!'

Little chef.

Maternity Ward