Becoming A Parishioner Gifts

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Gates of heaven

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

The mobile -priest was keen to use modern technology to 'keep in touch' with his parishioners!

Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

"You took a vow of poverty, celibacy and silence. But aren't they the marriage vows."

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

Fitness in church.

'She'd put 'The fear of God' into God himself!'

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

Coventry Carol

Growing Churches

''Fasting' doesn't mean eating fast food!'

"You realise that the job involves Sunday work?"

"When did we stop saying 'amen' and start giving the 'wave'?"

'I think I see why attendance has been down.'

"My parents will come to church again if you switch to rose."

Wife about mad man leaving church: 'You'll have to excuse my husband. He always wakes up grumpy.'

"We're raising money for our church so our preacher can get a new luxury jet...!"

"What's the current return on investment?"

"Today's message really convicted me Preacher. Good thing church is only once a week."

"Do you offer a warranty?"

"Brother Behan?! You would think the roof to fall in!"

'Wait a minute -- you did all this stuff in a VIDEO GAME?'

"I thought celibacy only happened if you got married."

'Put it back. This isn't a 'Take a Penny, Leave a Penny' dish.'