Modern Parishioner Gifts

Church sign: Now With WiFi.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

Drive-thru Church

Vicar wearing sunglasses.

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

Next Sunday - Rap Mass! 'I thought we reached the limit when we had that jazz mass.'

Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"We're testing a new virtual reality praise & worship system for the satellite campus."

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

". . . and don't forget to like and subscribe to my channel. Amen."

'She'd put 'The fear of God' into God himself!'

TV and man

Pastor wearing sunglasses against the hymns.

'The reading is from my brand new mobile phone.'

"You may need to pep up your sermons, sir. Some of the members are requesting WIFI in the pews."

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

Church Sign Asks If You Are Prepared for Digital Conversion.

'Here's the state of the art gym, here's the coffee bar and internet cafe ... oh, yeah - and this little thing over here is the new sanctuary.'

'I think I see why attendance has been down.'

"Have you tried turning it off and then on again?"

"When did we stop saying 'amen' and start giving the 'wave'?"

'...and to speed up the collection process, donations can now be made by texting 'CHURCH' to 873346.'

"My parents will come to church again if you switch to rose."

Wife about mad man leaving church: 'You'll have to excuse my husband. He always wakes up grumpy.'

"Things have been pretty quiet around here since folks started worshipping online."

"We're raising money for our church so our preacher can get a new luxury jet...!"

"What's the current return on investment?"

'Wait a minute -- you did all this stuff in a VIDEO GAME?'

"Let us bow our heads, turn off our cell phones, and pray."

'Put it back. This isn't a 'Take a Penny, Leave a Penny' dish.'