Playful Parishioner Gifts

Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

United Church of OMG

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

"He's dumbing down the sermons again."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

Excommunicate Me.

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

Out for lunch... GOD

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

'No, I haven't heard the score of the football game.'

'How come I never see you in church?'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

'Let us now turn to the Gospel According to St. Matthew for today's sob story.'

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

A virtue of vicars

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."