Playful Parishioner Gifts

Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

"I didn't say, 'Simon says'..."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

United Church of OMG

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"He's dumbing down the sermons again."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

Excommunicate Me.

Out for lunch... GOD

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

Speaking words of wisdom, letter B

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

'No, I haven't heard the score of the football game.'

At Michawl Phelps' baptism.

'How come I never see you in church?'

A virtue of vicars

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."