Humorous Congregant Gifts

"I'm going to need a receipt."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

Finger puppets in church.

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

Church restrooms

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

Minister Starts at a New Church

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...

Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

Church Parking Space Reserved For Sinner Of The Week

'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

'I always thought that church mouse thing was just a figure of speech.'

Minister's File

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."

"Can we discuss this?"

'I hate the new vicar's cheese and wine parties.'