Comedy Congregant Gifts

Church: Built by Guilt.

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"OMG, LOL!"

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

St. Elmo's fired.

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

Nun Binning the Devil

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

How's my Sermon . . .

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'Still no money, but a lot more IOU's than usual!'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

"You have a divine right - and the left isn't bad either."

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

"I want you to leave here today with a message of joy!..."

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

Priests Play Good Priest, Bad Priest

'I pretended to be religious to get a place at this convent.'

"OK, so you've told us what God thinks... but now I'd like to know what YOU think!"

"First, you have to get their attention."

"...and Lord, we thank You for blessing Farmer Finkel with an abundant bean harvest...and thus our new pews."

"Please rise."

Priest to congregation, "I'm no different to you just because I wear a dog collar."

Church sign.

"Now remember, after this anointing you need to return every 3 months or 3000 miles."

Inside church reactions to the Pope's resignation...

Church Sign Asks If You Are Prepared for Digital Conversion.

"God willing, you'll get the lear jet, Reverend!"