Becoming A Parishioner Prints

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

Gates of heaven

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

The mobile -priest was keen to use modern technology to 'keep in touch' with his parishioners!

"You took a vow of poverty, celibacy and silence. But aren't they the marriage vows."

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

Got god? (no you don't...He's got you!)

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

Fitness in church.

'She'd put 'The fear of God' into God himself!'

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

Growing Churches

Coventry Carol

''Fasting' doesn't mean eating fast food!'

"You realise that the job involves Sunday work?"

"I didn't say, 'Simon says'..."

"When did we stop saying 'amen' and start giving the 'wave'?"

'I think I see why attendance has been down.'

"My parents will come to church again if you switch to rose."

"We're raising money for our church so our preacher can get a new luxury jet...!"

Wife about mad man leaving church: 'You'll have to excuse my husband. He always wakes up grumpy.'

"Do you offer a warranty?"

"Brother Behan?! You would think the roof to fall in!"

"Today's message really convicted me Preacher. Good thing church is only once a week."

"I thought celibacy only happened if you got married."

'Put it back. This isn't a 'Take a Penny, Leave a Penny' dish.'

"What's the current return on investment?"