Baptist Minister Gifts

'It's one of the candidates for baptism. Wants to know if he can hold the hand that shook Elvis's hand above the water.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"Stepping on the gown never works. They run faster without it."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"We stumbled onto a house - and both of us being young and in love and quick to grasp the situation - "

"The water changes them back into babies. I think they call it the Fountain of Youth."

'Now I kinda wish we had planned a bigger wedding.'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

"Black or white, Vicar?"

'...We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, I mean, alpacas? What are they? It’s like Bob Seger mated with a llama."

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

Night-time halo

" ... and peace be with you, although not likely."

Golfing Bishop.

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

Early Piety

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"It's cool – God told us to!"

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'