Minister Gifts

"Oh, I know He works in mysterious ways, but if I worked that mysteriously I'd get fired."

Blessed are the brief.

'No, Father, they're not praying. They're texting.'

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

"I love the blockbusters of the summer confession season."

'You certainly got our attention, pastor.'

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

'-and now a prayer for the roof fund...'

'And by clicking on 'I Agree,' you agree to the terms and conditions...'

'How worse? Give me the worst-case scenario.'

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'The Lord works in mysterious ways, and rarely keeps receipts.'

"Pray only for peace, love, strength and forgiveness. Never, ever spam the Lord."

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth, but not the oil and mineral rights.'

'But if He's omniscient, wouldn't praying just annoy him?'

Power and the Glory tools

"If we're on earth to help others, how do I go about becoming an 'other'?"

'And he said, Come unto me, for it's not what you know, but who you know.'

Regular Confession and Express Booth.

"God's love is unconditional. But you must act now. Offer may be withdrawn at any time. Void where prohibited by law."

'Have you ever heard the parable of the lawn left unmowed?'

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'Ed moves that we buy new choir slickers and adjourn for pizza. Do I hear a second?'

'I'm afraid, Reverend, that what the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.'

I'm afraid it's time for you to render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's,

'I imagine you were pretty nervous addressing an army of experts.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

'I don't think Ed wants to make the crusades come alive for the kids. I think Ed is afraid of the kids.'

"Behavioural insights, eh? Say no more!"

"Faith cannot be bought. We do, however, offer an attractive leasing option."

"Please listen carefully to the available options."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

"The Lord works in mysterious ways ??" except on Sundays, when I take over."

"The minister has instructed us to get rid of 43% of meaningless targets in the next 43 days." "Could we start with that one?"