Minister Pillows

"Oh, I know He works in mysterious ways, but if I worked that mysteriously I'd get fired."

Blessed are the brief.

'No, Father, they're not praying. They're texting.'

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

"I love the blockbusters of the summer confession season."

'You certainly got our attention, pastor.'

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

'-and now a prayer for the roof fund...'

'And by clicking on 'I Agree,' you agree to the terms and conditions...'

'How worse? Give me the worst-case scenario.'

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Pray only for peace, love, strength and forgiveness. Never, ever spam the Lord."

'The Lord works in mysterious ways, and rarely keeps receipts.'

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth, but not the oil and mineral rights.'

'And he said, Come unto me, for it's not what you know, but who you know.'

'But if He's omniscient, wouldn't praying just annoy him?'

Regular Confession and Express Booth.

"If we're on earth to help others, how do I go about becoming an 'other'?"

Power and the Glory tools

'Have you ever heard the parable of the lawn left unmowed?'

"God's love is unconditional. But you must act now. Offer may be withdrawn at any time. Void where prohibited by law."

'Ed moves that we buy new choir slickers and adjourn for pizza. Do I hear a second?'

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

I'm afraid it's time for you to render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's,

'I'm afraid, Reverend, that what the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.'

"Faith cannot be bought. We do, however, offer an attractive leasing option."

Priest getting stained glass glasses.

'A tithe is defined as a tenth of your income, Mr. Talmadge -- not ten percent of whatever you happen to have in your pocket on Sunday morning!'

'Nice try, but Disneyland isn't a foreign mission.'

"The Lord works in mysterious ways ??" except on Sundays, when I take over."

'I don't think Ed wants to make the crusades come alive for the kids. I think Ed is afraid of the kids.'

"The minister has instructed us to get rid of 43% of meaningless targets in the next 43 days." "Could we start with that one?"

"Please listen carefully to the available options."

"Behavioural insights, eh? Say no more!"