Baptist Preacher Gifts

John Smyth (Baptist)

"Staff support"

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

Church leader at desk has 3 boxes marked 'Black', 'White' and 'Gray Area'.

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

'...We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause..."

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, I mean, alpacas? What are they? It’s like Bob Seger mated with a llama."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Black or white, Vicar?"

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

God Sneezes Out Creation

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Ghostwriting the Bible

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

Night-time halo

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

'The Lord spake to Moses? You mean voice mail?'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

Fishing with God

Early Piety

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

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