Advice Columns Gifts

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Listen to me, Nathan. Chicks love bad boys."

'Maybe fruit flies don't have souls.'

'You've been killing files again.'

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

'I suppose that's where things get ironed out.'

"Your father would be able to afford to send you to a good college if only he had listened to me when he was your age!"

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

The Original Gossip Columns

"When I want your advice, I'll ask for it... but in an oblique, face-saving way."

'Instead of nagging you, Walter, I've decided to write a syndicated column!'

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

The Daily Fury

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

Will Self deprecation

"Wait a minute. Where am I going? I'm a writer."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"If you bring joy and enthusiasm to everything you do, people will think you're crazy."

'This week's column is going to be about Writer's Block, and it's...'

'You're better off without him.'

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

Journalist in charge of gardening column has dead plant.