Giving Advice Gifts

"If you bring joy and enthusiasm to everything you do, people will think you're crazy."

"Young people frequently feel elated, son. This is perfectly healthy as long as they keep in mind that there isn't any valid reason for it."

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

"Listen to me, Nathan. Chicks love bad boys."

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

"Your father would be able to afford to send you to a good college if only he had listened to me when he was your age!"

'Where you went wrong' Desk.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

"I'm a doctor - I'm SUPPOSED to be a health nut!"

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

'Learn to relax and don't bottle yourself up.'

"I'm sorry your wife doesn't understand you, but this is a dry cleaner's."

"You need to stop eating that sh*t."

The girl with the sensible shoes.

"When I want your advice, I'll ask for it... but in an oblique, face-saving way."

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

'Well, put a jumper on if you're cold!'

'You're better off without him.'

'You have to give up this devil-may-care fattitude.'

"Have you given any thought at all about where you might like to accrue your student loan debt?"

'Well, if you don't smoke or drink, stop chewing gum!'

'My best advice? Never miss an opportunity to pass water...'

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

A Bug's Life Advice

"That's why you need to chew your food!" (cow deposited a hay bale).

'How do you think I ended up alone on the top of a mountain?'

'I want to lose weight, Doctor.' - 'Eat less, then.' - 'I need it to be more complicated than that.' - 'Why?' - 'How can I justify failing if it's that simple, eh?!' - 'Gah. He's breaking me...' -