Life Advice Gifts

"Careful- it might be a trap!"

'Try not to be an idiot.'

'Enjoy your youth while you can son. Once you hit eighty it's all down hill!'

'Always remember you're unique... just like everyone else!'

You should take life one step at a time...

'I'm so glad you came to visit, young Louis. I've saved these cuttings on how to live your life properly'

"The best things in life are free. The worst are $19.95."

"All I know is there are no do-overs, but there are comb-overs."

Al, what advice would you give me as I begin my journey on the highway of adulthood? Pull over onto the shoulder and pretend you have engine trouble. With luck, a beautiful female mechanic will stop to help.

Ernie, there are two great rules in life: Never give out everything at once.

'Winning is nice, but 'beat the spread' is a much more realistic objective.'

Never vote on an empty stomach.

'Son, if life deals you lemons, sue the produce growers.'

"As you get older, son, you'll learn there's more to life than winning. Actually, it's mostly about money."

"Never buy a tv from a man in the street, especially if he's out of breath!"

"Of course I still do stupid stuff. But now much slower and with far less frequency and zeal."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Feel free to take notes."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'You know too much!'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"I throw this ball, you go get it and bring it back — everything else will fall into place."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."