Advice Columnist Gifts

Miss Manners: Inappropriate and Appropriate.

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

"Excellent question. The answer is, we're all barreling full-steam toward death and incontinence. So seize the moment!!!"

Miss Lonelyhearts Advice to the Lovelorn

"Mom, why did Miss Manners never marry?"

Dear Abbey

'...And then the newspaper canceled my advice column.'

"Dear Ask Sadie, I have encountered a 'close-talker' at work who always stands about five or six inches from my face while talking to me. Unfortunately, this close-talker is my boss. How can I get her to stop doing this without shooting my career in the foot? -Charlotte in Austin Excellent question. It takes me back. The year was 1938. I spent months tracking down the elusive grizzly bear of the Ozarks. There was no proof he existed. But there were tales told by campfire of a hapless lumberjac

"What's your question for 'Ask Sadie?'" "Are America's best days behind us?" "Excellent question. It reminds me of the time in grade school when the schoolmarm told little Jebediah Thistlewood to pull up his knickers. The next day, Jebediah's pa came to school and said 'In my day, a man was free enough to wear his trousers 'round his ankles if he wanted to. This used to be one humdinger of a country.'" "I still have no idea what he was talking about." "I don't even remember what I asked you."

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

"It's the Ask Sadie advice hour. 'Shmernie' in Vermont, you're on. What's your problem?" "How do I know when it's time to give up? I've tried so hard to warn people about how they're getting screwed over, but they keep vot-- I mean, hanging out with the screwer-overers." "Give it up, 'Shmernie!' It's over!" "This reminds me of the time great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother Cohen's advice show answered a parchment from 'S

It's the Dr. Sadie Advice Hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking your calls. You're on, Boise. What's your problem?! I don

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Dear Sadie, I'm twelve years old and I still can't make a half-court shot in basketball. What should I do? - Moe. Moe, I know you want a quick fix, but there's no substitute for hard work. Master the half-court shot the way I mastered needle-point, practice five hours a day for seventy-five years … while giving your competitors backhanded compliments. With diligence, you'll eventually outlive anyone who knows your failings … which means they never

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, Do you think you could find happiness with a grumpy 72-year-old man? Signed, Derel. Actual reader letter. Do you realize what's happening? What? Every letter we get is about me: My preferences, my interests, my dislikes. I've become such a celebrity that nobody ever asks me about their own lives anymore. I want to tell some @#$% loser how to fix his life! Start writing, losers.

I notice a theme in this week's questions for Ask Sadie. Go on. Lots of men writing in with relationship questions. Why would they do that? They know I'm going to side with the broad. Maybe they like to be yelled at. Maybe. I have another theory. Maybe men are even stupider than I thought. Interesting. One thing I love about life is that I just keep learning. That's a week, people.

Welcome to the Sadie Cohen Radio Advice Hour. What's your question? I have an opinion about Afghanistan. Forget it. No opinions! If you want to have an opinion, get your own @#$% radio show! What's your question? Do you agree that Afghanistan's a mess?

Want to get advice on personal issues? Email me your questions at asksadieshow@gmail.com. My advice is golden. Take it from this totally, 100 percent un-coerced, independent testimonial. Sadie Cohen gave me great counsel and it turned my whole life around! I might add that this totally independent testifier seems quite comely and beautiful.

Ask Sadie. And now a real letter from an actual reader. Dear Sadie, You are infinitely wise and stately. You are a mix of Princess Di, Clint Eastwood, Einstein, and Michelle Obama. I, on the other hand, am such a loser. Do you have any advice? Signed, Rudy Park. Where to begin? I did not. The media does as it pleases.

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Send your questions to asksadie@rudypark.com. Dear Ask Sadie, My mom is always nagging me to clean my room. I don't see why I should have to. I like it the way it is. I don't nag at her for having a clean room, because I know that's how she likes it. How can I get her to just let me be me? - Unhappy at Home. Excellent question. The thing is, it's your mother's job to shape you into a respectable person. If you think "being you" includes being dirt

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, My mother doesn't want me to get a tattoo, but I disagree. I believe that a tattoo would be very attractive. What do you think? - Jessica, rebellious daughter. *(Actual reader letter). Is this serious? Is this a real letter? They're all real. I am stunned. Stunned? What is wrong with children? Defying their mothers? Do you know what would happen if we had defied our parents like that? What? They'd have sent us to live in the old country with our illiterate cousins who left

You're on "Ask Sadie." What's your problem?! My dog seems to be incontinent. I'm tired of cleaning up after him. Would it be wrong to give him to a shelter? Oh, I don't know. Would you ship your parents off to a "shelter" just because you're tired of helping them? Wait ... don't answer that. I once drove dad into the woods, but he found his way back.

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"Damn - another letter to the editor."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

'In general, do the right thing.'

'Maybe fruit flies don't have souls.'

"Listen to me, Nathan. Chicks love bad boys."

'I suppose that's where things get ironed out.'

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

'You've been killing files again.'

The Adventures of Tom Friedman, Boy Reporter

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."