Advice Columnist Gifts

Miss Manners: Inappropriate and Appropriate.

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

"Excellent question. The answer is, we're all barreling full-steam toward death and incontinence. So seize the moment!!!"

Miss Lonelyhearts Advice to the Lovelorn

'...And then the newspaper canceled my advice column.'

"Dear Ask Sadie, I have encountered a 'close-talker' at work who always stands about five or six inches from my face while talking to me. Unfortunately, this close-talker is my boss. How can I get her to stop doing this without shooting my career in the foot? -Charlotte in Austin Excellent question. It takes me back. The year was 1938. I spent months tracking down the elusive grizzly bear of the Ozarks. There was no proof he existed. But there were tales told by campfire of a hapless lumberjac

"What's your question for 'Ask Sadie?'" "Are America's best days behind us?" "Excellent question. It reminds me of the time in grade school when the schoolmarm told little Jebediah Thistlewood to pull up his knickers. The next day, Jebediah's pa came to school and said 'In my day, a man was free enough to wear his trousers 'round his ankles if he wanted to. This used to be one humdinger of a country.'" "I still have no idea what he was talking about." "I don't even remember what I asked you."

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

"It's the Ask Sadie advice hour. 'Shmernie' in Vermont, you're on. What's your problem?" "How do I know when it's time to give up? I've tried so hard to warn people about how they're getting screwed over, but they keep vot-- I mean, hanging out with the screwer-overers." "Give it up, 'Shmernie!' It's over!" "This reminds me of the time great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother Cohen's advice show answered a parchment from 'S

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"Damn - another letter to the editor."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

'In general, do the right thing.'

"Listen to me, Nathan. Chicks love bad boys."

'Maybe fruit flies don't have souls.'

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

'I suppose that's where things get ironed out.'

'You've been killing files again.'

"Your father would be able to afford to send you to a good college if only he had listened to me when he was your age!"

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."

'Have you considered getting a life-coach?'

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

The Original Gossip Columns

The Daily Fury

Will Self deprecation

'Instead of nagging you, Walter, I've decided to write a syndicated column!'

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

"Wait a minute. Where am I going? I'm a writer."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

'This week's column is going to be about Writer's Block, and it's...'

'The secret to staying in business, Wilson, is making something that's needed. Profit!'