Celebrity Columnist Gifts

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'Maybe fruit flies don't have souls.'

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

'I suppose that's where things get ironed out.'

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

"Maps to stars' rehab centers."

'You've been killing files again.'

Snow White and her Seven people.

Hoodies anticipate bride's choice of wedding dress.

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

"I was at a party with SO many famous people, I was the only one there I'd never heard of..!"

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

The Original Gossip Columns

Band Aid-style rock stars wear T-shirts that read : 'Feed my ego'.

"Reverend John Ship performed the nuptials. Attorney Thomas Sims performed the prenuptials."

Chihuahua's nightmare: 'There's a sneering voice talking to me: 'You'll get stuffed between a blonde celebrity's breasts till you can't breathe anymore!' Then I wake up bathed in sweat...'

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

Will Self deprecation

"Would you like something by an over promoted high-price athlete or a nobody from Jersey?"